The Lost Babe

By God’s grace and faithfulness. Plus CNU’s 100% passing rate and 12 topnotchers. This is all you, Lord. THANK YOU! All honor and praises to your name. Congratulations to all of us, new nurses. And many thanks to everyone who supported us all the way. Whew, what a crazy day.

Do you know how it feels like to be the only one in a batch of applicants who didn’t receive a message from the only company you want to work with? Exactly.

Keep safe, everybody in Luzon. Be still and know He is God. My prayers are with you.

Loving my new theme. Thank you, Jyuubi. :)

Apparently, someone left my number at a call center company and they randomly called me today while I was so casually strolling in the SM department store. But it seems like I can’t find good enough reasons for myself to work as a call center agent no matter how hard and long I think about it (and I have been thinking about it a lot for the past few weeks). So the lady said, “You’ve passed the initial interview but it seems like you’re not yet ready for this job.” Haha. Way to go for my extended unemployment.

I haven’t been looking, or officially applied for anything (I don’t even have a resume lol) but the golden opportunity presented itself. Unfortunately though, I flunked it. Haha. So there goes my first ever ambush job interview. Achievement unlocked!

God is opening better doors for me elsewhere. Waiting on your perfect plans for me, Lord. (I’d better really make my resume soon, though. And God bless my board exam results. XD)

This blog has been my secret escape for quite a long time already. In as much as I haven’t been around lately due to the board exams, I’m getting too caught up in the dark auras surrounding this sad excuse of a ‘home’ right now. And so I’m making this much needed escape again. I miss the world I found here. The people I came to know. The written thoughts I read from strangers and friends alike. And I miss writing, mostly.

It sucks not being able to do so as often as I did. My laptop’s broken, so is my selfish brother’s that I rarely get to borrow anyway, and the PC downstairs is left to rot OS-less and unused. My phone’s Tumblr app is limited to posting and viewing posts, I can’t see comments, notes, or send asks. I could still blog, though it’ll feel like a one-sided thing. I don’t write to gain many readers, but it’ll be good to know that when I do write, there will be a good few people I can share my thoughts with. To those who stuck around even in my very long hiatus, thank you. I know you’re there, I just can’t reach you from here on my end. Until God favors me a job to get new gadgets that would allow me to escape here again, please bear with me.

I miss you.

The board exams are over! FREEEEEDOM! :)

Sometimes, all we want is to be noticed. Sometimes with chances close to none, he finally does. Sparks fly, eyes light up, a heart races, but you also notice - it’s only yours.

Nothing can compare with the insurmountable amount of fun I had today together with my co-reviewees. Swings, seesaws, the ‘Japanese’ game, falling over and over again on the grass and not minding because we’re too busy laughing, all came together to make up the best time I’ve had yet in the longest while. I felt like a kid again.

It was a normal afternoon made extraordinary and ended perfectly with us singing karaoke with the Powerhouse Training and Review Center staff till the rain poured hard and we had to go.

I’m tired yet very happy and content.

Thank you Lord, for little things like this that mean so much. Please take care of me for the 4 more days remaining up until the board exam. I’ve done my part, so I entrust the rest to You. I will be still and know You are God.

Someday soon, I will earn a lot of money. So that I can buy my own medicine, pay for my own check-ups and my own hospital bills. So that no one else will have to. Just because I’m forever the sickest kid. Sorry for being such a burden all these years.

dysaphia:

“I know at the back of my mind that life would be so much easier if I never talked to you again. If I shut you out of my life and moved on, I could finally get over you. But you’re the only thing that makes me happy and I don’t have the strength to give up on that.”

It has been almost a year since I last liked someone enough to have the courage to confess.

(The case with J is different because 1. I like him more than how nothing like ‘like’ has ever been defined; but not quite as sure as ‘love’. And 2. The risks of my ‘infatuated-girl-confession’ outweigh the benefits of our true and lasting friendship. And you can really do away with this paragraph worth of words in parentheses because they’re not related to the subject at hand at all. So on a different note and different boy, I was saying…)

I remember how I impatiently waited for April 1 to pass before I - very subtly - told him I liked him because I didn’t want him to think I was playing a prank for April Fools. LOL. So on the morning of the following day, he knew how I felt for him and I knew he felt the same way. (Cue song: This could be the start of something new! *HSM soundtrack) And at that moment I was sixteen again and for the next 3 months since then. That was the closest I could get to an experience of young love, which is a cliche in itself. Of falling hard and heartbreak.

Now, it’s already a year since. And I’m just taking this chance to remember and appreciate the magic time can do. It’s like riding on the clock’s long hand as it moves farther away from the short hand with every passing minute. Like how we try to forget, forgive and move on. But at some point we meet again like when the clock strikes twelve, and we remember how it once felt to be together like that. But that’s all that they will really be - just memories. Because the clock hands don’t stay together for long and at twelve ‘o clock and one, we go back to how life goes on for us. No matter what happened to us in the past, good and bad, time will not stop. And neither should we.

As March started, my wall just got more colorful as more work needed to be done in my last days as a college senior, that I count through bright green ‘X’ marks on the March calendar. There isn’t much left and I don’t know it should make me feel.

As if completing our cases weren’t enough to make as busier than bees, we still had to complete 12 oral revalidas from various clinical instructors on Nursing subjects from first to fourth year. After a week and a half of C.I. stalkerdom, I finished this last week along with the validation of my PRC and institutional cases. It felt like… consumatum es. Haha. Like a big sigh of relief.

100th candidate for graduation. Gradually, everything that I’ve ever endured from the start just felt all the more real and made more sense. There is so much to tell that I don’t know where to begin. But it was hard and there were countless times I wanted to quit and just give it all up. It didn’t happen just for this very reason: I’m graduating.

And I think of these people, my RLE groupmates, who have been with me for the past year, how they made every duty day bearable, how some of us fought once and said S-O-R-R-Y through paper hearts, how we cried, how we laughed and how this photo was taken on our last day of duty together. I think of the friends I found, still keep, and those I lost. I think of how soon we won’t see each other as often anymore. I think of how I’ll miss them and then graduation becomes just a little less something to look forward to. But then again, there’s nothing else to look to, but forward and onward.

Leaving is such a bittersweet thing. For four years, this school has been where I spent most of my days and even though I don’t like it there so much, it holds a vast library of memories that are important to me. While graduating from college is very fulfilling in itself, not only to me but also to the people who supported me, it’s scary and sad at the same time. It drips with irony. While it is an end to one long and tough chapter of my life as a student, it is also a start to a longer and tougher one as a young adult. My feelings are in a silent riot. And no word is more appropriate than ‘mixed emotions’ to describe it. There is so much uncertainty ahead that it’s quite frightening. As our batch song goes, “We’ll never know what the future holds for us, we’ll never know what our lives’ gonna be…”. There is really no way of knowing and nothing’s for sure. But I’m reminded that my God is greater than all the question marks put together and that He will always, always be with me. 

I’m as joyful and content as my graduation picture. My heartfelt gratitude to everyone who were there with me and for me. Above all, thank you Lord for getting me this far. I couldn’t have done it without You. :)

LARGO, DELIGHT GRACE W., BSN.
7 more days! *u*

(Whew. This is the longest post I’ve written in a while.) 

I have never been a fan of pet names. I think they’re too cheesy and overrated. It’s annoying, and even more so when you see your ex-boyfriend calling his present girlfriend with the same pet name he used to call you. Oh, it’s not a matter of bitter feelings and being not or over him but the fact that pet names can be too generic. Which makes me think that the meaning and feelings that name supposedly carries can be applicable to anyone else. The idea of generality. That you can be just another ‘sweetheart’, ‘honey’, or ‘cutie patootie’ in his life. It’s not wrong though, but wouldn’t it hurt the way you see yourself?

IMO, I love you’s and everyday sweet talk definitely sound better with the name you were born with. It gets you giddy while exuding an air of sincerity and certainty. In a way it makes you feel that with whatever he’s saying (and assuming he means it), he means you. That in the memory of the words that linger, you know they weren’t for anyone else, but you.

Now, I think I know. Why it had to end… you and me. Even with careful thought and prayers, we can never trust ourselves with our lives. Our story began with the right words written on the wrong page, wayward from the right storyline. While building up feelings on the wrong intentions. Trying hard to keep it going through wrong actions for quite the wrong reasons.

I never realized until now because it felt perfectly right. But it was outright wrong all along. Although in the ignorance, it was undeniably a beautiful kind of wrong. But there could be no room for regret. Only lessons learned and chances to become a better person than I was with you.